This is our public speaking speech that was never used, but it is at times like this, when I read over things I've written and reckon I could give Shakespeare a run for his money... God, brains... beauty. You must all be so jealous.*

Harry Potter

Harry Potter, a terrible example of 21^st century Britain: style without substance, aesthetics without art. A story of an orphan boy who goes from having nothing, to having everything, written by a woman whos life seems to have suddenly mirrored that of the boy she created.

You couldnt make it up: JK Rowling, a frustrated writer and single mother, living on the breadline, despite her cut-glass accent and very nice line in country casuals, starts writing to entertain her young daughter. She writes about a little boy, Harry, who, living in a cupboard at his wicked auntie and uncles house, due to his being orphaned at a young age, discovers that he has magical powers, and that he has a scholarship to the exclusive Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It all starts going right for Harry when he meets Hermoine and Ron, and soon the moneys rolling in for JK. Heartwarming.

The thing is, suddenly the country, and then the world, has gone Potter-potty, hailing Ms. Rowling the next Tolkein, and suddenly shes signed an eight book deal, and is laughing all the way to the bank. Shes asked to sign away the rights to Warner Brothers, and she laughs her little highlighted head off- hehehe. She must not be able to believe her luck. Then, suddenly, four books in, she develops writers block, whilst drinking Mahone Gin in her luxury Spanish villa. Call me cynical, but something tells me that shes suddenly seen Harry Potter for what it is.

Now, dont get me wrong, Ive got nothing against fun. The idea of magic, and a school for magicians is a brilliant one, but its so generic. Magic and spells: its been done a thousand times before, and Rowling hasnt managed to come up with anything to make Potter and his bunch of cronies, stand out from the rest. Its a Famous Five for Generation Y, and suddenly Generation X, and their mums and dads are trying to tap in on it.

Think of the amount of times youve read an interview with a famous star you used to respect: Robbie Coltrane, Zoe Wannamaker, Kenneth Branaugh: just three of the very talented, English stars that had the respect of millions because of their refreshing and candid portrayals of Shakespearian heroes, and dramatic characters in some of the finest films and dramatic adaptations of the past twenty years. Then, suddenly,  theyre offered parts as Wizards and Witches, are, I daresay offered a six figure sum to prostitute their talent, and suddenly were having to pretend like Harry Potter is so incredibly post modern, and ironically intellectual, that its okay for these previously great actors to be cheapening themselves for a quick buck, and a chance to show their kids off at the premier.

Mind you, the children need to come to the premier just to keep the stars happy. Daniel Radcliff, and the other two in the gruesome threesome, were just eleven years old when they made the first film, and by the second film had all simultaneously hit puberty. The second film was misleading in its title Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets it would have been more aptly titled Harry Potter and the Bottle of Clearasil and Im still waiting for the secret rendezvous between Hermoine and Ron in the dorms, after night fall.

In short, the whole idea of Harry Potter is alarmingly middle-class: orphaned child in a boarding school, having jolly japes by day and midnight feasts involving ginger beer with his ginger friends, by night. But although Harry and his friends are middle-class, speaking with accents that are all together more Surrey than Essex, the stories appeal to state educated children, exploiting the very people that Rowling seems to despise.

The grown-ups are, as always with The Famous Five, Secret Seven and that sort of thing, blindingly stupid, unless they work at Hogwarts, in which case theyre wise. The wisest of them, was, of course, Professor Dumbledore, played in the films by Richard Harris, who was obviously so horrified by his involvement in the project that he had to die to alleviate his shame. The grown-up Weasleys are wise too, as well as caring: it seems that rearing so many red-headed children has given them some sort of wise compassion that is lacking in most of the adults in the story.

The Weasleys in general, are just wrong, part of Rowlings PC world, where being ginger and wearing glasses, are things that you dont get bullied for. Although the Weasleys are the embodiment of a good home life, with meals round the table, rather than in front of Neighbours, and although they make us all realise that being poor is okay if youve got love, it is the fault of the Weasleys that Ive got a friend who it teetering on the edge of peadophilia and fetishism, as she has fallen in love with Rupert Grint, the child actor who plays Ron Weasley, and has vowed that she will only marry a ginger man, so that she and him can create their own Weasley clan.

Harry Potter was written for children, and yet somehow, has become pseudo-intellectualism, ensnaring intelligent, literate adults, who should be tackling novels slightly more hard-hitting than this Diet Tolkien. The thing that worries me, is where this is going to end? Will Harry and his friends be forever stuck in this world of twelve year olds, forever walking the corridors of Hogwarts, forever young, or will we one day be forced into reading Harry Potter: the Edge of Reason. Now theres an idea, Harry Potter meets Bridget Jones A money spinner if ever there was one.

*I'm being ironic, I swear. I am gorgeous, and talented but I don't like to go on about it, obviously. And no, Dave- I won't be going to Oxford OR Cambridge....but do you have a website?