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I always liked Christmas, until they knocked it out of me.
They of course, being my family, the Scrooges of Essex,
as they are otherwise known. Im telling you: they changed their name about a hundred and fifty years ago, after Dickens wrote
of what a hard nosed bunch they were.
My family are lovely people, until about December 13th. Then they stop being
lovely, and start being stroppy. This stroppiness takes us right through, until December 27th, and then theyre perfectly reasonable
people, again, but for this brief fortnight, life becomes hellish. We all sit around, and are made to enjoy Christmas, whilst
the women of the family bitch, about how much they hate the festive season. There is, inevitably an argument or eight, and
then, on Christmas Day itself, my mother and grandmother will have a nervous breakdown before lunch, my grandfather will make
everyone drink about seven gallons of scotch, each (getting my young sister totally off her face, which always leads to an
argument with me, about the musical choice for lunch) and my father will wind up my partially deaf great-grandmother, by saying
things really quietly.
With a family like this, it is easy to forget what Christmas is really about, so I am here
to remind you: the Muppets. What? I hear you cry, The Muppets? Those cloth bafoons that used to fill up TV schedules in the
seventies? Well, yes, the very same.
I am not a Christian, I do not have any sentimental religious attachments to
Christmas, and like to see it as more of a Pagan festival (that the Christians hijacked, blah, blah, blah) however, when Im
feeling down, I just get my hands on a copy of A Muppets Christmas Carol, a mince pie or seven, and settledown, to watch as
Michael Caine talks to himself. Okay, it is a far cry from Alfie, but its sweet, and even if its July, this film still has
a certain charm.
You might even get a little bit of a tear in your eye, as Kermit sings that immortal song, Wherever
you find love, it feels like Christmas.
Of course, despite Christmas actually being a Muppet season, there is still
room for a bit of church going, dont get me wrong, but I think its time we put behind us all this guilt and Christian nonsense,
and started thinking about what is really important: the Muppets. And of course, the loveable rogue, Scrooge himself. Actually,
Richard Wilson wrote a stunning book about that What was it called, now? Ah yes! Scrooges guide to Christmas! Brilliant it
was, too. Itll probably be out in the shops again, soon, what with the festive season approaching.
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