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I went to school many years ago now.. when the summers were still warm and Frances Bardsley School For Hoes and Good
Time Charlies still had a field. It was a beautiful time, each winter we would act our little socks off in plays and talent
shows, each summer we would take part in sports day and compete for glory against the other forms (though unfortunately I
always had a bad knee in the summer months). Yes, those were the days.
Unfortunately I wasn't much good at Maths. Or Science. Or French for that matter. And not only was I not that good at
them, I was bored by them. This is what made me and my buddies at The FBSFHAGTC disrupt our learning with jokes and hastily
passed notes (Mme. Hayne was a whizz with the French language but not so fast when it came to working out that me and Nina
were writing an extended limerick about the size of her arse). You may think this was a waste of our precious time, but you
know what? I have no idea what the difference between Alkanes and Alkenes was (other than that "a" in the middle there) and
will never need to know... but the humour will stay in my heart, forever.
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The Planners
At Secondary school, Jenna, me, and our friend Shelley, along with the odd one or two
other weirdos, used to write funny things in Jennas planner. This seemed like a good alternative to work, and became a tradition,
and whereas I will never again use my GCSE in D&T, these planners will remain in my mind forever, for being truly hilarious.
Here are some extracts:
Reasons Why I Would Shag Mr. Rochester.... If He was Real
By Laura
1) He was good enough for Jane.
2)
He wore
those swishy frock coats (phwor, swishy frock coats).
3)
He rode
a horse (very Freudian).
4)
He had
power.
5)
He probably
had a lot of money, although it rings a bell that he lost his fortune... but he had a manor, that'll do, I'm not fussy.
6)
He was
played by William Hurt, who I would marry in the morning.
7)
Mr. Rochester
would love me for who I am.
Child Development Exam
Hello, welcome to your Child Development exam. Please sit back, take a big lungful
of air, and tick some boxes, if you want.
1) What
is a baby?
a) A fruit
b) A small
human
c) A type
of hair growth product
2) Which
of the following is not allowed to be done in a kitchen?
a) Washing
up
b) Dancing
with knives
c) Cooking
3) Which
of the following should be kept away from babies?
a) Baby
food
b) Baby
toys
c) Baby
poison
4) You
find out that you are to have two babies! What is this called?
a) Twins
b) Dirty
minded filth
c) A problem
YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE EXAM. THANK YOU. PLEASE GET UP AND LEAVE THE HALL.
GO TO YOUR HOME GOODBYE.
Summer
Holiday Plan
Week One
Lay in until 5pm every day. Get drunk every night. Sit around watching Teletubbies thinking about how much you love life.
Week Two
More of the same, except by now you have remembered that your younger sibling is an annoying
cow.
Week Three
Now is a good time to dye your hair and go to the library. Any piercings you had done
in week one will now have gone septic.
Week Four
Get completely pissed off. Have a row with one of friends. Maybe even hit them. A good
place to carry this out is at a sleepover.
Week Five
Bruises will be fading now. All of a sudden, possibly on the Wednesday, you will begin
to miss all of your friends and teachers and long for school.
Week Six
This week your mum will make you try on sixty identical school skirts. None of them will
fit. The reality of the situation will hit and you will cry all week until you have to go back.
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