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Loose Women, the worst talk show
ever commissioned: It sort of seems like a good idea, but the fact is, it is the nastiest, bitchiest piece of wank I
have ever seen on TV in recent times, and is likely to be, until I get my own TV show.
Now, tolerate me for a moment if you have been unfortunate enough
to see this programme, but for those of you who have been lucky enough to avoid it (perhaps because you have good attendance
records in your place of work, or, in fact, full time jobs) I will explain the idea. Loose Women is a talk show aired on ITV1
at lunchtime, every week day. It involves the ever embarrassed looking Kaye Adams, who obviously needs the money but understands
that her dignity is suffering to keep her in peroxide, and several other women, who if they aren't spinsters, should be.
Now, I don't always like men, and I do have to admit that after
a few drinks I can slag them off with the best of em.... "Wankers" I tend to slur "Basssstad, wankers.. bloody not phone me
I'll show 'im.." Unfortunately the amount of drink that gets me to that stage, means that I am too mad, upset and crazy to
possibly "show him" by getting off with another bloke, so I "show him" by falling on my face (which shows him, well, I feel). Despite
all this, however, in general I do like the company of men, and understand that although different to me, they arent
necessarily inferior (or at least they're not inferior because they're men). This though, is not the opinion of the
loose women. They believe that men only have two faults: everything they say and everything they do.
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This to me, seems more than a little unfair.
If the blokes had a telly show, and slagged off women in the same
way, wouldn't there be uproar? That would be sexist, wouldnt it? So how does this differ? How is it okay to run down men for
simply being men, and yet totally inappropriate, immoral and lets face it, illegal, to dedicate hours of TV scheduling time
to.... I dont know why women are inherently evil because they bleed for a week, once a month and dont die?
And the presenters, ergh, dear God. Now, once again, this is just my opinion, and what do
I know, but ....I dont see what's wrong with wearing a bit of make-up. Especially if youre going to be on the telly.
No, women shouldn't have to wear lipstick and high heels, and shave their legs, and okay, if God had wanted my lips
glossy and "mocca" he would have made them so in the womb, but why dress and look like Carol McGiffin? Women like this, in
their flat shoess and brogues always claim it's women like me, in our... pretty colours and five inch heels "making a statement"
but I think it's probably more the other way around. No,
we shouldn't be dressing for men, but I don't feel good about myself if I dont straighten my hair and bleach my moustache,
and I find it hard to believe many other women can, either. Maybe Ive been shackled by the ideals of a masculine society,
maybe I have a self-image problem, or maybe Im just well dressed, but whatever my condition is, men, be they only sexual deviants
and lunatics, have been known to find me attractive. I doubt the same can be said for Carol McGiffin.
It isnt just Adams and McGiffen that aggravate me though.
Sherrie and Kerry make me want to slit my own throat, as well. Sherrie is the mad aunt figure, whos catchphases are "The audience
agrees with me, dont you?" (this phase always proceeds an embarrassed silence) and "Well I've been married for twenty-seven
years!" whenever anyone makes a comment about marriage. She's the bitter old aunt who calls your new boyfriend a "long lanky
streak of piss" when everybody else was only thinking it, at family dinners, whilst straightening the tartan blanket on her
knees, and she used to be in Coronation Street. This is not the sort of woman you should be taking relationship advice from,
especially as I strongly suspect that her husband may well have cheated on her with a blonde twenty-two year old, at some
point. Just a feeling a get.
Talking of blonde, twenty-two year olds, ahh Kerry. Dear, sweet
Kerry "married that fat bloke from Westlife" McFadden. She aggravates me, but in a very different way. Obviously, with Westlife
on the wain, and having quit her job as an Atomic Kitten to bare little Molly McFadden (you just wouldnt would you?) she needs
to get some cash from somewhere, but she doesnt fit in with those other loose ladies. For a start, shes young and reasonably
attractive, and she doesnt have a bitter bone in her little body. She thinks that marriage is for life, bless her, and her
catch phrase is (asuming mad Liverpudlian accent) "But I love being Mrs. McFadden!" Sweet as saccharine, the girl should go
and do something else with her life, before Kaye and Co. remind her that Bryan shagged a lapdancer on his stag night, and
she ends up like mad auntie Sherrie.
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